The bookshelf I built
I’m happy to share that my wife and I recently welcomed our newborn son. Like many parents, I took paternity leave, but here’s the twist: this was my first time taking it, even though I now have two kids.
When my daughter was born, my company at the time offered three months of fully paid paternity leave. I didn’t take a single day. In fact, I secretly hoped she would arrive on a Friday night so I wouldn’t miss any work. Back then, I believed that if I took time off, especially that much time off - I’d be seen as lazy.
That mindset didn’t come from nowhere. Growing up, I could count on my two hands the number of days my parents took off. They immigrated to the United States and worked blue-collar jobs where stability was precious and risk was avoided at all costs. They didn’t want to give their employers any reason to question their commitment. My parents wouldn’t even check their phones during work hours unless it was their lunch break.
Why I Took Leave This Time
What changed for me the second time around was simple: reality. I learned firsthand how hard it is to raise a child and the idea of doing it with two in the house made my wife’s “gentle reminders” about my absence during our first even louder. She still hasn’t let me live that down (rightfully so).
My wife has made a lot of sacrifices for our family and my career. This was a chance to give back and help out.
The First Week: Awkward but Necessary
The first week felt… weird. I’ve taken vacations before, but a whole month off? That was uncharted territory. And like many managers, I had that voice in my head telling me “this is bad timing.”" Truth is, there’s never a perfect time to step away.
On my first official day off, I tried not to check my phone. I really did. But my muscle memory had other plans. Every ping felt like a potential bottleneck I could unblock for the team. I work with incredible people who can carry on without me, but it still took me a day or two to silence Slack alerts and remind myself: the work will be fine; focus on the newborn.
How I Spent the Time
One thing I didn’t expect, newborns sleep a lot! That meant I had these one to two-hour windows where I could get other things done such as calling my daughter’s afterschool program, sorting out health insurance. I learned quickly not to start anything that couldn’t be paused, because the moment my son woke up, everything else stopped so I started to grab more books and start building the furniture we needed around the house
I also spent a lot more time with my daughter, helping with math, reading together and I started to see just how much my wife had to juggle when I wasn’t around for our firstborn. I’ve always appreciated how much she does for the family, but experiencing it first hand gave me a whole new level of empathy for parents who do this day in and day out.
Things I Didn’t Miss
I love going into the office. But my commute? Brutal. Three to four hours a day in traffic will drain even the most caffeinated optimist. Not having to do that for a month was a quiet luxury. (That’s a whole separate blog post on why I still choose to commute, but we’ll save that for another time.)
Last Week of Paternity
I’ll admit, I was uneasy about stepping away from work for paternity leave, but I’m glad I did. As I mentioned earlier, I had pockets of downtime, and I used that time to read about engineering and engineering management. I’ve always believed there are only two real ways to get better: gaining experience yourself or learning from the experiences of others. This leave gave me the rare chance to focus on the latter.
By the last week, I found myself eager to return not because I wanted the leave to end, but because I wanted to put my newly learned methods and strategies into practice. I came back to work with more energy, more empathy, and a sharper sense of what really matters, both as a leader and as a parent.